Literally everything everywhere feels stupid right now. Why don’t you write anymore? Someone asks me. And I reply that I am speechless because everything around me everywhere feels so stupid that I feel bereft of speech. I blame Trump. And Twitter. And The Bachelor. Because it is 2017 I will most certainly not assume any responsibility for this particular self-inflicted wound of dumbness. It is not my fault. The world around me is making me stupid. And silent.
You know what story I read online yesterday? That a Chinese company started an umbrella start-up company where you can rent an umbrella at key spots throughout a city and then you have to return it because well, it’s a rental. But no one returned the umbrellas. So everyone “rented” 300,000 umbrellas – their full inventory - and literally none of them were returned. Which I think means they started an umbrella sales company which is fine. But all of it. Just all of it is so stupid. People are so lazy. They are too lazy to return things they borrow. Or to even remember their own stupid umbrella so that they don’t have to rent one. It’s a rentable umbrella company with zero umbrellas because 2017 is awful.
Last night I had a dream that I was married to Bernie Sanders which irked me beyond belief because I do not like Bernie Sanders and then Kendall and Kylie Jenner showed up in my dream and literally I can recall dream me being like, God, this is just too much. I better bounce. Even my dreams are shallow and lame.
I want to watch Bravo but I can’t because Trump is blowing up the world so I have to watch the news so I can confirm that he is as bad as all of us always knew that he was but also it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how many stupid crimes and meetings and things they say and do. We are all just like, Christ. That was fucking insane. Anyway, let’s just keep ignoring it and let them get away with it while taxpayers pay literal millionaires and billionaires to just fuck with us. Also if Kathy Griffin is somehow involved in any of this just one more time anymore. I just don’t know.
Today on Twitter some pastor shared a photo where he talked about the great honor of praying in the oval office with POTUS yesterday. In the image you see the back of Trump’s head and everyone is literally kneeling before him with their hands up before him and around him and on his back like he is holy or something. And I guess it doesn’t matter all that stuff with pussy and Howard Stern and Access Hollywood or his Playgirl cover. In the image you can see his hair all matted and dyed and fake. A woman’s hand with blue nail polish which is of course stupid because everyone knows blue polish only looks good on your toes.
A giant piece of Antarctica fell off today. And in Brazil they figured out how to treat burns with fish scales. In Syria, people are living minute to minute. They are fighting for their freedom and lives. No one knows when the good guys will come to help them. Or even who they are. We are interviewing a new FBI Director. North Korea needs to chill the fuck out. I open my computer and see a top Buzzfeed tweet telling me about Blac Chyna’s wig in court today.
I close my laptop. Everything is stupid and so am I.
In 2017 Hypocrisy is the President and Stupidity is the VP and I rule the world.