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The Toxicity of the Quarantine Snake Oil Salesman


Could we have a brief chat about something I've been seeing pop up all over my FB and Instagram feed? 
Here is what I can say for sure about this time of life: nothing. I can say absolutely nothing for sure.The only thing I can say with certainty actually, is that absolutely nothing is certain right now. What will happen today or tomorrow, when schools will open, when I will be able to hug or visit you, when I feel predictably sad, or happy, or predictably anything at all with any kind of regularity. The one gift I’ve given myself these last few weeks, and the one gift I’ve given my children without apology, is that whatever they are feeling or needing to do right now, whatever they think they need, is exactly right.
I’d like to talk to you about the real snake oil salesman of quarantine. I’m not talking about the odd sort of COVID truthers who think this is all a hoax or something of that ilk, but more about the folks who have some very specific messages about what you should be doing or feeling right now. They have lots of platitudes about how crisis reveals who you really are, and that you are the sum total of this moment. That somehow your quarantine habits define you. They reflect your worth and the quality of your life experience. They whisper in your ear that you are doing it wrong. This is your time to change your habits, your life, start investing in yourself. To radiate positivity and joy. 
There has always been something particularly pernicious about these self-help folks and the way they seem to prey upon women In particular. They claim that they love you as you are. That they are against the media's ideal of how a woman should be in the world. That you don't need to look, or act, or parent in any particular way. But at the same time, they feed you very specific glossy images about the way a woman is supposed to feel all the time. You do you. Except you should always be happy. Or bettering yourself. It is the very specific girl on girl nature of this crime. Men should yell or shout or own the space or whatever. Women need to get better at literally anything. Marriage. Motherhood. Your goddamn morning smoothie. Quarantine. Women it would seem you aren't even doing quarantine right. So here is what you should be feeling or doing right now. It's a goddamn crime I tell you.
I’m not anti healthy habits. I’m not against being happy. But I am against someone telling me that right now, I need to invest myself in feeling anything specific at all. Today I woke up and wanted to clean. Last night I was anxious. Tomorrow the sun will be out. Maybe I will be happy. Maybe I won’t. 
But the idea that I have some sort of control or responsibility or need to invest in some sort of living your best life plan right now is really getting under my skin. Anyone who is posting anything on the Internet right now telling you that this moment is about anything other than allowing yourself to feel whatever the hell it is that you are feeling right now is, I maintain rather strongly, a) being dishonest about their own individual daily life choices, and b) trying to sell you something.
Maybe you had a glass of wine with dinner. Or maybe you need to give up alcohol right now. Maybe you are working out ten hours a day or you haven’t exercised in ten days. Maybe you need to text and call and Zoom until your WIFI gives out in despair. Maybe you need to go dark for a while. Maybe you are all of those things depending on the day of the week. That’s not the point. 
I just wanted to let you know that if in your travels among the wilds of the Internets you come across someone like this, someone who thinks right now is the time to be or feel or buy or look or do any particular thing, I would actually like you to do something for me.Block that person. Unfollow them. Hide them. 
The only thing self care ever really means is listening to yourself. The rest is garbage. And whatever you need or are doing right now to get through this insane situation, is exactly right. 
As you were. Go on with your bad self.




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