Part of the issue is my own post-traumatic stress over the boy hair I sported growing up. My mother had a thing about keeping my hair extremely short. Until I rebelled in my early 20s (clearly I was a very wild child) and finally decided to keep it longer. If you wondered what I looked like, picture my son. I looked exactly like my 5 year old boy: but with slightly less red in my hair and enormous purple glasses on my face. In fact, I was almost always dressed head to toe in lavender. As if my mother suspected how ridiculously androgynous my hairstyle was and tried to thwart unsuspecting strangers who might think I was a boy with a resounding, “Clearly she’s a girl! Can’t you see regardless of her boy hair that I dipped her in purple!”But I digress.
My point here is that I grew up having no idea what to do with long hair because I never had it. And now I have this child with the most gorgeous, thick insane head of long hair. And tomorrow is the dress rehearsal. I know I am supposed to bring her with some sort of bun involving bobby pins. First of all, Ruby’s hair eats bobby pins for lunch. Secondly I wouldn’t know what to do with the bobby pins even if that first thing weren’t true. She is also supposed to come in makeup. Did I mention I also have no idea how to apply makeup? Sometimes when I am feeling fancy I apply the Burts Bees Pomegranate Chapstick which adds a reddish hue to my lips. I have been known to attempt applying both the one eye shadow I own and the one blush I have in my possession. Whenever I do this people eye me with suspicion. As if I am suffering from sort of horrific rosacea outbreak.
So here I am on the eve of her rehearsal on Pinterest trying to search “curly hair toddler dance recital.” I tried to pin my first thing and I got an error from Pinterest. Have you ever gotten an error from Pinterest? It is like receiving an error message from the world officially revoking your uterus.So after crying for a few minutes over my pinning humiliation, I ended up on youtube. There I found a video of two 10 year olds demonstrating how to make the perfect figure skating bun in their parents’ bathroom. It involved 12 thousand bobby pins and a sock with the hole cut out of the toe. Have you ever heard of this? I am riveted. I feel like I am watching brain surgery. I have never been so grateful to these random 10 year olds for teaching me how to be a woman. I feel both satisfied and sad. Tomorrow I will search for their companion videos on how to do laundry and apply nail polish.
I will also search eBay for my uterus and failed womanhood.