As I approach my 43rd year, I have to be honest and tell you that I’ve been struggling lately. That for most of my peers - those parents that in every way possible are in the trenches right now, it is genuinely hard. In the spring, I felt like I could get through this thing. And maybe in the summer too. But as I watch all of us scrape the very bottom of whatever we’ve got left in us to parent and teach and work and just generally survive but also put on some sort of moderately positive face for our children and parents, well honestly that’s been hard lately.
One of my all time favorite quotes is from Leonard Cohen's 1992 song, Anthem. In it, he describes:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in
As I close out 42 and look ahead to 43, it's requiring me to dig deep this year, to ring the bells I still can ring. And looking back over the past year, it seems indeed there was so very much to celebrate.
The kids made me a cake.
And we played with parachutes for no particular reason at all.
There were hayrides and I forgot that in the middle of all the chaos we sat next to each other and that more than I realize it, he's always right by my side.
We celebrated Thanksgiving with solo cups, excessive pie, and the most epic round of Headbands ever played.
It was Hanukkah and as the days grew shorter, we filled the evenings with so much light.
We held a Special Persons Dance for the Girl Scouts. In hindsight, I'm grateful that we didn't realize how precious and fleeting it would be soon after for the rare opportunity to just gather together, and be silly.
This was the night I realized everything was changing. That's why I took this picture. I wanted to remember where I was when I realized that. But I should have taken it because it was a beautiful evening sky that night.
We started regular lessons with the kids grandmother over FaceTime during homeschool. These lessons would cover everything and anything from royal tea etiquette to the Mayan culture to tallest buildings. Occasionally, costumes were involved. It reminded me how utterly precious and special and amazing grandmothers can be and also teachers and how damn lucky we are to have a grandmother that used to be a teacher.
We had a zoom birthday for Phil. Friends sang to him and though everyone was far away it felt strangely nice to be altogether!
We started faithfully reading Harry Potter to the youngest. I know lately it seems like J.K. Rowling has lost her mind along with the rest of 2020, but these books are fanciful and wonderful and it's been an absolute gift to see each one of my children find such delight in these stories.
Going to school started to mean this. That was weird.
Friends and neighbors spontaneously left us notes in our driveway and hearts in our yard. We felt loved.
We finally taught the last one in our family to ride a bike.
It snowed on May 9th. I was worried that the buds just beginning to pop out for Spring wouldn't be able to withstand the cold and weight of the snow but they did and that was a wonderful surprise.
Summer finally arrived, and when it did we picked nine pounds of strawberries and ate them all unapologetically. They were delicious.
After 105 days of missing him terribly, I got to spend Father's Day with Dad.
We went to the beach with friends that are like family. I never wanted to leave. Also, we ate all of the lobster in the state of Connecticut. We were equally unapologetic about this fact as well.
We thanked God for the gorgeous weekly bounty that is the summer CSA at Sub Edge Farm. In a year where there seems to be few things that you can consistently count on, showing up week after week and getting my little red bin filled up with fresh vegetables seemed equal parts reassuring and miraculous.
We played basketball until we couldn't see the hoop anymore. When we bought this house one of Phil's most important criteria was the pitch of the driveway and whether or not we could put up a hoop. I applaud his ability to foresee we would one day spend literally all of our recreational time on this home court.
We went to a Bar Mitzvah in our backyard. It was one of the most beautiful services I've ever attended.
And we found rainbows in our front yard.
We went back to the beach and I got to spend time with my sisters there. Man do I feel lucky and grateful to have these two in my life.
We had ourselves an end of summer beginning of school year 80s party because in general, everything is better with costumes and 80s music. As you can imagine, it was amazing. We are considering making this a weekly ritual.
It's so interesting to look back on these moments, the way we so truly turned inward these past few months. Not that we were alone so much. Just the way we gave up so quickly all of the stuff that we thought made a life. It's not that I don't miss it. I do. I don't know. I guess it's complicated. Maybe that was the imperfect offering of this strangely brutal year.
The road we take to Sub Edge each week I like to call the road where anything seems possible. It is long and expansive and open with nothing but corn stalks on one side and pasture and sunflowers on the other. It is wide blue skies and possibility. Who knows what 43 will look like. Part of me is afraid to hope and wonder about what could be possible next year. Part of me says learn the lesson of 42.
Stay humble. Stay open.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.
I loved this update. Happy belated bday and wishes for a HEALTHY and good year.
ReplyDeleteThank YOU Nina - happy new year!
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